My name is Jack Faro,
and I am a professional poker player.
Now,I do some other stuff,
but poker,that's the thing I do best.
My grandpa was also a poker player.
He built a casino called the Rabbit's Foot,
and now I own it.
But this story isn't about me.
It's not about me and my grandpa.
If it was,it would be called Me and My Grandpa,
and it's not called that.
That's a stupid name.
It's the story of six people playing in a poker tournament,
six people who think they've got the game figured out.
Motherfuck...
The way I see it,
poker's like some kind of cosmic metaphor.
Now,don't fade out on me,here.
It's like even though the cards fall in a random order
that you can't possibly predict,
you can still beat them.
That's not true for a lot of other things.
In or out? In or out?
Isn't there a time limit on this? Come on.
The twist is that the six of us,
we're playing for $10 million,
winner takes all.
So no matter how much all of us believe
that we can make our own fate,
the truth is that only one of us is going to win,
luck and skill be damned.
That's why this story is called
Luck and Skill Be Damned.
Sorry. Wait a second. It's not called that.
It...It's called The Grand.
Hi,I'm picking up Jack Faro.
I'm Renee Jensen. I called.
Right. Um,I just need you to sign some paperwork,
just releases acknowledging his medical history
and addictions.
So which ones are his?
Those are all his.
God.
Just sign at the bottom.
He's not going to piss blood in the limo,is he?
Probably not.
Yeah,he's in and out so many times,
it just made more sense for him
to,you know,move in and make this his home.
Ugh,that's disgusting.
You must be thrilled to be getting rid of him.
No,actually,I'm not.
I...I love Jack.
Um,actually,could you,uh...
could you just give me a second to talk to Jack?
Um,I'll just...I'll just take a minute.
How's my favorite patient doing?
Hello,Dr. Sellers.
- How are you? - I'm good.
Hey,before you talk,I just wanted to,um...
play a song I wrote for you.
You wrote a song for me?
Yeah.
Yeah,I'd...I'd love it.
Sit here.
You wrote me a song.
Twelve steps
Only got 11 more
- It's a work in progress. - It's really beautiful.
And you know,I always say
it's progress,not perfection.
If you can smoke it or drink it
or inject it or snort it,I've done it.
Whoa!
And that really affects the mental faculties.
Welcome to the Rabbit's Foot Hotel,
the finest place to...casino and the...the fine...
I've been married,uh...
approximately 74 times.
Seems like a lot,but I loved every one of them.
I make it a point to know my employees,
just like Grandpa Lucky did.
I want to make a point to know this one for sure.
Uh,hey...Toni.
How...how long you been working here?
- Nine years. - Ah.
We were married,Jack.
I'm still waiting outside.
Hi. Renee Jensen.
- Oh,hi. - Your ride's here.
Are you with...
- Steve Lavisch? - Steve Lavisch.
- Yes,I am. - Okay.
I'm ready to pick you up if you're ready.
- Yeah,I just... - Okay. I actually wanted to talk to you...
- Okay... - for a second about that.
Could you give us one second,please?
Just one second.
Um,what I...what I came in here to talk to you about
was in terms of your feeling like you should stay or you should go,
it's probably important that you stay here.
Jack,I don't like to do this,
but,you know,I don't want you... Don't go.
Wow.
I have to go now. I've been here for two years.
I know,but I think...I think you should stay
for a little...a little while longer.
I'm going to call you,okay?
- Okay. We should talk today,though. - I'll call you later.
Yeah. Or I'll call you.
Well,I mean,this whole Rabbit's Foot thing,
I gotta...I gotta shoulder some of the blame on this,
maybe a lot of the blame.
Okay,now,what you're experiencing here
is the real deal.
This is the hub of the wheel,
the headquarters,the main office...
of the Rabbit's Foot,
pretty much unchanged from when Lucky was here.
Quite frankly,at times I was my own worst enemy,
and I didn't do a good job running it.
I wasn't a good steward.
Yes,I did get thrown out of my own casino.
I'm not sure how exactly that happened,
but they do say that I gave the order.
So when I was,shall we say,down and out,
I made an unfortunate deal with Steve Lavisch.
He took advantage for 6 or 7 million of a bridge loan.
If I don't pay it back,I lose the Rabbit's Foot.
I don't know if I could bear that.
Welcome back to the NAIPL Tournament of Champions.
Brought to you by PartyPoker.net.
- I'm Phil Gordon. - And I'm Mike Werbe.
And we're here at the final table
with heads-up action between two of poker's greatest minds.
Harold Melvin and Daniel Negreanu,
two guys who did not ride the short bus to school.
I only called 2,000 more for a pot of 22,000.
I'm getting 11 to 1,so no matter what I have,I call.
Even if I have deuce-seven and you have pocket aces,
that's still the mathematically correct play.
You should have gone all in three hours ago
when your stack still meant something.
Some harsh comments from the chip leader.
Okay. Here,beat that.
Let's take a peek at the river.
Terrible catch for Daniel Negreanu.
Harold makes the straight.
I was a 2-to-1 underdog,and the pot paid me 11 to 1.
Not a bad risk-return ratio.
You play poorly.
Harold can't cook.
And he's very particular about what he eats,you know?
Please tell me this is not gravy.
Oh,you know it's not gravy.
It's mushroom barley soup...your favorite,honey.
It's so stupid that you don't use
more efficient cooking utensils.
I've lived with my mother since I was born.
I live with her because it is convenient
and because it is difficult for me
to take care of myself.
I'll probably be stuck with her
for the rest of my life.
Or the rest of her life
because she's much older than me.
She will die first.
Ruth,if I were a food critic,
I would give your cooking five stars...
five stars that if each collapsed into a black hole
and merged to form the largest black hole
in the universe.
If I won this tournament,
I would buy a real house with secret rooms
and shifting mirrored passageways
and a garden labyrinth,
all of which would serve to disorient Ruth
and make it more difficult for her to find me.
The kitchen is such a mess.
I gotta clean it up later.
We used to have a maid.
She lasted two weeks.
Harold couldn't tolerate her.
I have pet peeves.
I hate stinks.
I hate breath stink,I hate body stink,
I hate pee stink,
like from when you take a lot of supplements or vitamins,
which I take a lot of those,so my urine smells very bad.
Now,all this stuff is brain food for him.
I don't know what the fuck anything is,
but I do exactly what he wants me to do.
One thing I would like to talk about is the Mentats
from the motion picture Dune.
I like the Mentats because they're the human computers.
The Mentat oath is...the following...
It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the juice of Sapho that thoughts acquire speed,
the lips acquire stains,the stains become a warning.
It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.
I say the Mentat oath
before I drink my brain juice...
because it makes me feel like a Mentat.
Hi,Lois.
I'll play in the Ladies' Tournament.
If those fucktards want to make it easy for me,fine.
You know,poker's been,like,awesome because we've...
It's been very good. It's been very good to us.
Yes,yeah.
- I know it's... - it's hard,but it's...
It can be hard. Yeah,it's something.
It's hard on the kids and on Fred,I think.
- I'm at home now with the kids. - Yeah.
I'm not a stay-at-home husband.
I'm a husband who's home right now.
Yeah,I support her,and the time's gonna come...
I mean,the perfect example is,um...
is my fantasy football league,
you know,my Yahoo Fantasy Football league...
And I know,you hear "fantasy football league..."
But this is,you know,an expert...an expert football league.
And the draft is the day of the final table,so that's...
I mean,we're going to have to work something out on that.
Somebody's gotta watch the kids.
Yeah,that's what I mean.
I gotta find out...you know,I gotta...
Maybe Claude,maybe somebody.
- I don't know. I could bring... - Not Claude.
All right,well,we gotta find something.
- This is...this is... - Yeah,this is...
I mean,this is my...this is my thing.
This is your thing,this is my thing.
But just...
and I totally support you on it,but just...
I could win $10 million that day.
And does fantasy football pay?
Yeah,it pays,uh,something different than money is what it pays.
It pays,you know,m...yes,it pays.
- Does it pay money? - No... - It doesn't pay money.
Right,okay,a little in the...
...and you're good.
Go...go see what your sister's doing.
Ah,that's what I do. I... Yeah.
Didn't know you were coming up here.
I make up these little handshakes for the kids.
Hey,I figured out a good...
here's a good husband-wife one,okay?
All right,so you just wanna...you just wanna,"Hey...
Actually,it's only been...
...it's been the last couple of years
I've been coming up with these things.
And... And,I...
Actually,I'll show you...
I'll explain this whole thing to you.
Let me show you this.
This is,uh... This is my lucky hat.
And this is the hat that I...
I'm a lightning survivor.
My husband Fred was hit by lightning,
and he will be happy to tell you all about it.
November 15,2003.
And you know what happened after that was...
this left side of my brain,something with the lightning,
it just opened it up.
And tell you about his sayings that he comes up with
and his round beach towel idea.
I come up with little sayings.
You know,Lainie came in second
in the tournament a couple months ago,
and the announcer said,"It's like kissing your sister."
Right away,I thought,you know,
it's like peeing in your wetsuit.
I guess it changed his life.
I said,"Give me a cup of Joe,
"but I wanna say hello to the milkman
and I'm taking it up the beanstalk."
Which...is just this way of saying
decaf coffee,"I want a cup of Joe."
"I want to say hello to the milkman"
means I want to go to bed early because the milkman comes ear...
I want to say hello to...say hello to him...
even though...even though there's no milkman anymore.
There's a lot...a lot going on with Fred.
"Taking it up the beanstalk."
Give me a large and bring it up the beanstalk.
I'm delivering it. I'm bringing it to the giant.
"Taking it up the beanstalk."
I know it can sound a little like a bad sexual thing,but...
Okay,but lean back. Lean back and then I'll...
I don't feel like fucking doing
- a handshake right now. - Just lean back a little!
Jesus.
Just lean back a little.
Fred's a really smart guy.
And I wish he'd,like,move on to something...
besides fantasy football.
You know,something more...real.
This is only gonna take a second,so...
Great,because I really gotta get home.
I hear ya. I hear ya. Take two steps back.
There. Good,good.
Okay.
Jesus.
They're called Lainie and Larry Schwartzman.
They're the David and Goliath of poker.
Brother and sister,identical twins,
they're winning both halves of the Long Island Tournament.
By winning this tournament,you both qualify
for the grand championship of poker.
You've been eliminated by Lainie
two out of the past four years.
Any comments on that?
What's my style of play like?
Well,I think it's aggressive.
Ha! Aha! Aha! Aha! Aha! Aha!
I know that some people consider it obnoxious,
but I consider that a strength.
For he's a jolly good fellow
I try to get people off their game,
which is just as much of a game
as reading people and knowing the numbers.
What do you think of that,Dumbbell?
That's the real dumbbell over there to your left.
Hey,now,Dumbbell,
I'm trying to be nice to this idiot.
I like to consider myself a predator at the tables.
So it would kind of make sense that I would study predators.
I think if you watch me,if you study me,
you'll see a lot of cat-like qualities.
Raaahhh!
Raise.
And I can psyche the shit out of people.
I don't need cards to beat you.
I could literally have no cards
and I would still beat you.
If you think that's not playing fairly
or that's not the way a gentleman plays...
uh...
I would fight you over that.
You are the worst card dealer ever!
You should burn in hell!
Competition is healthy.
It's only competition that breeds winners.
Idiot! A buffoon! A lunatic!
It was very,very competitive growing up in our family,yeah.
It was brutal.
My dad made us compete for everything.
An incompetent,insufferable asshole!
You know,maybe you get some hurt feelings.
Maybe you get some,uh...
you know,maybe somebody goes to bed hungry that week.
You know,it doesn't matter.
Fucking idiot!
Still got more cards! Done!
You don't get to choose your cards
and you don't get to choose your family,
so you just make the best of it.
Well,Jack,this should be
an interesting challenge for you.
Mr. Lavisch is not the kind of man
who considers requests.
Right.
Just giving you a word of advice.
You want to wait over here for me,please?
- Okay. - All right.
Good luck.
- Mr. Lavisch. - Renee.
Yes. Hello.
Do you see the plans? Do you see the blueprints?
- Yeah,those are... - Are those the new...
Well,why aren't you wearing your helmet?
- This is a construction site,really,technically. - Safety first,of course.
- Thank you. - So,what's up?
Jack Faro is here for your appointment.
Jack Faro...
- Jack Faro? - Mm-hmm.
From the Rabbit's Foot.
- Uh,do I know a Jack Faro? - Yes.
- Jeff! - No,Jack.
- Jeff Faro. - Jack.
You sent me to pick him up from rehab?
- You scheduled a... - Not Jeff?
Jack. Definitely Jack.
I really don't have time right now.
I mean... Okay,I've got five minutes.
Perfect,that's all we need.
Let's go talk to him.
We have to go there?
I haven't got time for that.
It would take us five minutes just go down to the car.
There's Jack. He's just right there.
That's him.
- Oh,that Jeff. - Jack.
- Jack. - Let's get it over with. Right this way.
It's Rabbit's Foot,Jack Faro. - Right,right,right.
- Dick. - Jack.
- Good to see you. - Hello. How are you?
- Good. Good to see you. - Good to see you.
- Oh,that's Renee. - How are you?
How's everything going? What do you think?
Oh. Yeah. Isn't it pretty?
Isn't that something? It's very nice.
Guess how many rooms.
Don't.
Take a wild guess how many rooms.
3,000 or...
I knew you'd be wrong. It's one room.
- One... - One room.
One million dollars a night.
That's what One Lavisch Plaza is all about.
Well,now,seems like it would be at least two rooms.
No,no,no.
See,because the air shaft between the two towers,
you're renting that,too.
So that's all part of your room.
- The walls are just...that's a formality. - Right.
See,my theory is that most very wealthy men
started life as lonely little boys,
so this would be very nostalgic for them.
I myself despise nostalgia because...it's so old.
One Lavisch Plaza.
So what can I do for you?
Uh,so,you know,the deal that we made,
I was wondering if maybe...
It's no problem to pay you back,
but if I could have a little extension...
I think you're doing exactly the right thing.
Get out of the business now. You don't need it.
Who needs the headaches?
Who needs the Teamsters and the towels and...and...
- You're right. - Hi,Renee.
- How are you? - Hello,Mr. Lavisch.
And I think you're a very smart man for walking away...
No,no.
You know,and I don't think I made myself clear there.
I wasn't being,um...
So I want to keep the Rabbit's Foot.
It's what... It's my dream and my passion,
and I think I have to...
As I listen to you,it occurs to me
that maybe you are requesting something of me,
and you should know that I...
I never answer requests in the positive.
It's just...It's not what I do.
- I did tell him that. - I'm more of...
- Hello,Renee. - Hello,Mr. Lavisch.
...of more of a negative... How much more time do we have?
- Uh,ten seconds. - Mm-hmm.
Y-You know...
And done.
Good to see you,Jack.
You're looking really well.
You lay off those vitamins,now.
- Don't forget your hat. - Bring my helmet,will you,please?
I'm sorry. I told you.
I apologize.
Good luck.
Here you are,Mr. Lavisch.
Careful...around the plants!
The Faro family,yeah,
they had the monopoly on downtown.
And somehow,when poor Jack got a hold of it,
you see what's happened.
Would you stay across the street?
Here you go,Brian.
Buy yourself a couple of hookers.
Hey,Deuce Fairbanks! Deuce!
- You know what... - Oh!
What's wrong with you,jack-off?
- Hey,Deuce? - Yeah.
You're washed up!
Suck my cock!
The downfall of Las Vegas was the day they let people
wear culottes into the casinos.
Culottes. You never heard of culottes?
They're not a...they're not a short,they're not a pant.
I don't know what the fuck they are.
Will you take a look at all of this crap?
Buried underneath all of this is a history.
A history of Las Vegas.
It's the place where Moe Dalitz
opened up his first burlesque club,
the place where you can find a 13-year-old in a whorehouse
if that was your pleasure.
It was a place where the Jews and the blacks had to
enter the casinos from rear entrances.
By the way,on this corner right here,
I stabbed a bum.
Hey,hey,speak with me,guys.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Welcome to the Golden Nugget. - Hi. Thank you very much.
- Fred Marsh,checking in. - Fred Marsh.
Yeah. This is nice.
- Yeah,it's great. - Right.
Um,I don't have a Fred Marsh.
Is it under another name,sir?
Uh...try Schwartzman,Fred Schwartzman.
- Schwartzman? - Yeah,it's Marsh.
It's Mar... We should probably change that,all right?
Because it's... it's Lainie Schwartzman.
Oh,here you are,Mr. Schwartzman.
Right here. No,it's Marsh.
Can we change it? Why don't we change it?
- It's fine. - Yeah. I'm going to get phone calls...
- All right,and,uh... - Internet? There's Internet?
Spa tower suite? Yes,there is Internet.
Okay,thank you. Because I get that thing.
- All right. - Yeah,okay.
Hold on. Where's Ellen?
Enjoy your stay here. Thank you very much.
Where's Ellen? Hey,you guys...
Where's Ellen? And who... this...
Who are you? Holden.
Holden,where's...Holden...
Oh,she's over there. She's over there by the fish.
Holden,where are your parents? They're going gambling.
See,this kid is...Holden's not ours.
Okay,we're going to get the... we're going to get Ellen.
Holden,where are your parents? Ellen!
Honey,you come with me. Let's find your parents.
I told you we should get the kid leash.
You think it's cruel. It's not cruel.
What's cruel is our kid is on the Strip right now.
- Welcome to the Golden Nugget. - Thank you.
Name,please?
The German.
- The...German? - Yes.
Oh,I have you right here. Credit card,please.
Thank you.
Could I have some extra hand lotion up in my room?
Uh,we'll see.
I'm sorry,sir,but we don't allow animals here at the hotel.
They won't be here for long.
Most people drink coffee,
but I think it's some sort of beverage of the cowards.
To feel alive and to get this energy,
it is essential for me to...
to kill something each day.
It doesn't have to be a large animal.
I squish an ant once in a while.
Or spiders. They come very easily.
I've shot stray dogs.
Goose is a very,very troublesome animal.
I've had a goat.
To strangle a goat,that makes you feel really alive.
I've gambled all over the world,
literally everywhere.
I remember once in the Gobi Desert
I had to gamble for a last gallon of water,
and that meant two days of life.
I gambled with yak bones against local tribesmen.
And once,I was doing Russian roulette
with slave traders.
When I gamble,I'm like a cello player.
It's just,uh...
just something very soft inside of me.
Deuce is going to be here in the tournament.
He and Lucky and me,
we were the real good friends in the olden days.
I mean,we were battling.
We were battling against each other.
And he is a bastard,but he's a glorious bastard.
The German?
I love The German.
He lights up a room.
The German? Well,he's a good egg.
Me and him and Deuce ran together
back in the early days.
Lucky Faro,
he was a fiend,a monster.
And yet,against my better judgment,I loved him.
We even tried to murder each other at some point.
I had a lot of fun in that joint.
The Rabbit's Foot.
It was old Las Vegas.
Not like it is now.
He was a throwback.
And I loved him.
I think when I look back at him,
I still feel like strangling the bastard once in a while,
but he's dead
and I think he dwells...
...in the heaven of the gamblers.
When old Lucky died,he left the Rabbit's Foot to Jack.
It was the last
and the worst bet he ever made.
You know,I love Lucky.
And I love the Rabbit's Foot and everything he's created,
but I wanted to just...I wanted to go,
you know,to the next level.
I wanted to expand.
My greatest achievement of all time.
I built this casino based on the concept
of the Chicago fires,1895.
And it was on fire,constantly on fire.
And then we'd have fire trucks come and put it out.
Of course,it burned down.
Whoop.
This,I think,was a great idea,too.
Inside this particular casino,
you actually have a nuclear reactor
that took care of all the energetic needs
of the casinos,and...
and that didn't get past the Planning Commission.
I like this one,too.
It's called Hector's Frozen Cart.
Now,I'm going to be candid with you
and let you know that I don't know what I was thinking
when I came up with this particular design,
but I was under the influence of cocaine and heroine
and marijuana and LSD
and mushrooms and some ecstasy,
and you know how sometimes you get
that cocktail just right,and then there's just...boom!
Well,I sold off the TV rights to The Grand
because I'm positive that three years from now,
nobody is going to be that interested in poker
or watching it on television,
but they will be watching bingo.
You mark my words. Bingo is the future.
Welcome to beautiful downtown Las Vegas.
Tonight,the North American Indoor Poker League
takes you to the dazzling Golden Nugget,
the host of The Grand,
the oldest and most prestigious
poker competition on the planet.
Brought to you by these promotional partners.
I'm Phil Gordon,and joining me in the booth is Mike Werbe.
And I'm Mike Werbe.
And welcome to day 1 of The Grand.
We have all the top players in the worldin this tournament today.
All the stars are here.
All the stars in a little galaxy I like to call poker.
- Lady Schwartzman. - All right.
One of the biggest stories this year
is the dominant presence of Internet players.
Many of our entrants won their way in online.
Harold Melvin,my son.
That's right,Phil.
You know,Internet poker
has its own breed of celebrities.
For example,there's a player
on PartyPoker named "Pocket Aces,"
and people are speculating maybe he's one of the pros.
Yeah,I've heard about the guy on PartyPoker.
The Pocket Aces guy,yeah.
Phil Laak.
Phil Laak,the Hillside Strangler.
No,no. The Unabomber.
Yeah,that's the nickname. Just give me the sheet.
Rumor has it there's a player out in the circuit
known as Pocket Aces.
Are you Pocket Aces?
Let me tell you how the Internet
screwed up poker,okay?
When a guy sucks out on the river,
on the Internet,
you cannot take the guy out in the parking lot,
and you cannot break his fucking knees.
This is it. You know what?
- I don't want to wear a tie. - Oh,stop,stop. Stop.
It looks good. It looks good. Here,hold this.
- Let me just get it... - All right,come on.
- Let's check it out. - Okay.
Oh,I need my basket.
- Oh,just in time. - Yeah.
- Andy Andrews. - Of course.
Andy,you are at Table 1.
What is my lucky number?
Well,it's so cold outside and snowy,
and I think the temperature in Las Vegas right now is...
What was it,honey cake?
I think it's 91.
Oh,my gosh!
I teach math at Saint Thaddeus',
and it's,uh...it's a nice job.
And I think that you're... I think what you do...
- I don't want to talk about that. - No. Then I'll...
Please let me talk about it. Please let me talk about it.
Sharon has...and I don't know. What do you do?
Do you wake up one day and say,"I would like to sew ribbons"?
Um,okay,so this is my ribbon room.
I have my own business called The Ribbon Store,
and this is it.
These ribbons,actually,you can use for knitting,too.
I've knit some really...
some really nice sweater vests out of some of these.
- So I'm online,and I'm... - I wasn't home.
And I'm hunting and pecking for fireplace pokers,and I...
- Antique fireplace pokers.
Yeah,and I land on this thing called PartyPoker.net.
And I don't know where I am.
And I'm trying to get out,and I'm typing in my name.
And all of a sudden... Here.
And pretty soon,I'm playing!
And I won.
I won a seat.
I won the tournament,and I won a seat at The Grand.
- But if we win,then... - Then...
But if we...
- Trying to get him to think more positive... - Can you imagine?
$10 million,and we'll be warm.
- Because that's what... - Because you promised.
That's what Sharon wants.
You promised that we would move somewhere warm.
Well,I was thinking of maybe making one of these vests
for Andy out of...
ribbons.
You know,sometimes I walk in here and I...
I look at all this stuff,
and there's so much stuff in here,and it...
it really stresses me out.
I got this blowtorch as a wedding gift
to make cr鑝e br鹟閑s with,and I just think,like...
I could totally set this place on fire.
Whoa.
Okay.
Shuffle up and deal.
Well,I guess one of the biggest things
that happened today is when Jack Faro walked in.
He's one of the few players that I actually like.
I mean,especially back in the day,we...
Doesn't matter.
Oh,yeah,yeah. Jack Faro?
Yeah,he walked in.
Now,I'd like to talk to somebody
about the legality of that,
because I don't know if that's kosher.
I mean,that may fly in,like,Communist China
or Feudal Russia,but this is America.
Jack Faro,very good.
He throws tournament,he throws The Grand.
Very good,very good. That I respect.
Then he comes in to play in his own tournament.
This is like if I give you a goat,
and I killed and I eat the goat,
I have given you shit.
I don't... I got... I mean,what would...
Honestly,what would you do?
Because it's a good hand,
but I've heard sometimes you don't call.
What are you doing? You can't show me your hand.
You show one,show all.
You gotta show everybody your hand now,please.
I knew you only had one pair.
Your bet on the river was as transparent
as a cloaked Romulan Bird of Prey.
This tournament is different.
There's money only for the winner.
The winner takes all,and that appeals to me.
I just want to see all the others crushed and disappear and crumble.
I want to win.
It's apparent that you have no concept of pot odds.
There are a number of books available in the gift shop
that explain it quite thoroughly.
Also,you have corn in your teeth.
I can squish you.
You know what I mean?
Goddamn,this is fun,man.
I believe in luck.
I know that because I've had so much bad luck in my life
is probably why I'm so damn lucky at cards.
Luck is a crutch.
Good move.
Where'd you learn that,playing on your television set?
I think I'm lucky,but I'm very skillful.
If people played correctly,
I would win every single hand ever.
Nut straight.
Motherf...
People misplay.
And then they end up with what I like to call good fortune.
So it's not about luck.
I'm gonna go all in.
Oh,and since you like my hat so much,
I'll just put that in there,too.
Well,with respect,fuck you.
- Take it,take it,take it. - Thank you.
I wouldn't have wanted to lose that hat.
Where are you from,exactly? Your country.
- Why do you need to know? - I mean,is everybody miserable like you?
- Why are you miserable? - Let me ask you a question.
- Jewish? Jewish? - No,I'm not Jewish.
I mean,I have a lot of guilt and...
Yet another player thrown off my Achmed's unknown ethnicity.
He's from the Middle East,but is he Arab,is he Israeli?
Well,no one knows,Mike,and that's the point.
I think he's a Jew.
Have you seen that episode of Star Trek
where the guy's painted half black,half white?
Don't think I've caught that one.
Yeah,me either,but,um...
but I heard it's good.
I'm sure it is.
Deuce Fairbanks,
one of the legends of the game.
I'll tell you,Mike,he is not at all intimidated
by some of these younger players.
And he's not intimidated.
I got two pair with a San Francisco busboy,
a queen with a trey.
San Francisco?
Busboy? Queen?
What are you,a fucking idiot?
You should've hit the slot machines,jack-off.
God,you're a bigger dick than I am.
I'm Mike "The Bike," Mike "The Bike" Heslov.
My name's Murph Murph.
Tim "Tiny Wonder."
We're the Bust-You Crew.
Yeah,you know,we've played together for so long
that we got a lot of shorthand.
You know,it's like when you got a...
...sitting pretty on a Jim J. Bullock
and somebody Adrian Zmeds you on the river.
- Brutal beat. - Yeah.
Yeah,we're kinda known
for making a lot of crazy bets.
If you're gonna be a really good player,
you gotta basically be a gambler.
I drank a quart of semen once.
Mm. It was bull semen,though,right?
No,it was human.
It wasn't a bet,either.
Yeah,that was...that wasn't a bet.
- Yeah,I just did that. - Right.
All in.
I'll call.
Shit.
5s.
7s.
Let me give you a bit of advice,Mikey.
If you don't see a sucker sitting around this table,you're it.
What do they call that crew?
The Bust-You Crew,is that it?
Bunch of sissies.
I wish they would have pulled that shit in the old days.
We'd have dug a little hole for them out in the desert,
teach them a trick or two.
Let me see? Oh,yeah,I'll take it.
My name is Seth Schwartzman.
I'm semi-retired.
And both my kids are top professional poker players.
Ugh. Uh,wai...what's going on with...
What happened?
I heard a slogan when I was young,
and I forgot who said it,
but the slogan was "Competition breeds winners."
And I always thought that that was correct,
that that was a good slogan.
One time,he told us that he was going to Disney World,
but he'd only bring one of the kids with him.
I could take one of my kids to Disney World,
and I had what I called the World Series of Checkers.
They were going to play seven checker games.
The winner was going to go to Disney World.
And,um... it didn't go well for Larry.
I didn't leave Larry alone for three days.
He had...the dog was there the whole time.
He had birds in the house. He had the turtle.
The kid you see today,the determined kid,
the kid that's going to win at any cost,
that's the kid that I saw when I came back from Disney World.
Whether it was Chutes and Ladders
or Freeze Tag or...
Monopoly,we played Clue...
Wiffle Ball or KerPlunk! or...
Parcheesi,we played checkers,
and we played chess.
I'd give him Yahtzee.
Otherwise,I had to hear him
cry himself to sleep every night.
I let her beat me a lot of the time.
I mean,she's my sister.
There was a time,you know,
when we thought... she had cancer,you know?
And it turned out just to be a bad haircut.
I rocked Candyland.
He never once beat me at Candyland.
Nobody beats me at Candyland. Ask my kids.
I think if you tell one kid
that you don't love him as much,
believe me,that kid is gonna try harder.
We're seeing some great action,Phil.
That's right,Mike,but not a lot of surprises.
Almost all of the top players are still in it.
I need to ask you to remove the glasses.
No,no,no. No. They're prescription.
- You can keep those. - Jack?
Shirley.
Oh,my God,I haven't seen you since the divorce.
Andy Andrews in a pot against
two of the top pros in the game,
Doyle Brunson and Phil Hellmuth.
I'm all in.
- And Doyle's moving all in. - All in. 60,000.
- I'm going all in. 70,000.
Wow.
Andy in a very interesting spot here.
I can't believe I'm in a hand with Tex Brunson.
The name's Doyle,Andy.
Not Tex,Doyle.
- What? - Yeah.
Seriously,Doyle?
Yes,serious.
Well,that's a tell.
That's probably a tell.
No,it's a tell when you don't know who Doyle Brunson is.
Okay. I'm gonna go...
All right,okay. I'll go all in.
I'm gonna...I'll bet everything.
Somewhat loose call all in here
with a straight flush draw.
The amateur taking a chance to triple up.
Straight flush draw.
The turn card. No help for Andy.
Here comes the river.
Oh,it's a miracle card for Andy!
He catches a flush.
Doyle Brunson and Phil Hellmuth
are eliminated on the same hand.
You made a flush.
You won,Andy.
It doesn't look like Andy knows that he won.
Good job.
- I'm sorry. - Good job.
Oh,gosh.
That's so bad manners that I laughed.
- Don't be sorry. - No,it's...
Good hand!
That was absolutely astonishing,Phil.
It was,especially considering the fact
that Andy Andrews has never played
in a live poker tournament in his life.
But you know,on the other hand,it's not that surprising.
Oh,and how is it not surprising?
Well,here's a guy,he's done the legwork,
he's done the homework,he's using the Werbe Method,
he's reading my book Winning is Winning.
How do you know he read your book?
Well,I've got an extremely strong hunch
that he's taken a look at Chapter 3,
"Creating a Fictional Persona."
Hey,Marshall,um...
Guys,can we get a cut?
I just need a minute.
What?
Mike,you can't go pimping your product
right in the middle of our broadcast.
It's so inappropriate.
Phil,I was just stating a fact.
And what fact is that?
It's a fact that...that he might have read my book.
I'm a top-ranked poker player.
I've broken into the top 500 on a number of occasions.
But not only that,I am an award-winning guru.
Every time you play a hand of poker,
you want to run through a mental checklist.
"Head position,hand position,
neck position,breathing,posture."
More than 25 items. It's a lot.
And that's why I've come up with a handy mnemonic device.
Just one word.
"Hphpnpbpecmspamdcpaftsttl."
It's easy.
I've got a couple books out,the first being...
well,my tour de force...Winning is Winning.
I got a follow-up book
that's hot off the presses,Winning is Really Winning.
There's also a number of products.
They're available at TheWerbeMethod.com
And you can take that to the bank.
Playing high-stakes poker,
the last thing you want to do is worry about what to wear.
Face it,putting together
an attractive outfit takes time.
I call it the Werbe Onesie.
At first glance,it's a casual ensemble.
But on closer inspection,
it's a single item of clothing.
One of the more popular chapters
is something called "Creating a Fictional Persona."
Basically,it means pretending
you're someone that you're not.
You know,like,uh,a caveman.
Anything to throw off your opponent.
At this point,I'd say upwards of 10%
of the players out there are creating
a fictional persona.
I saw a...a Native American gentleman,and...
you know,it was seamless.
Hello,Andy Andrews.
Oh,how...
Oh! You know...How do you do?
You know my name. I don't know yours.
- I'm Andy Andrews. - I'm Harold Melvin.
I was impressed by your play against Hellmuth and Brunson.
Really? How come?
When you had the straight flush draw,
you were over 46.2% even though they both flopped sets.
From an expected value perspective against two opponents,
it was a skillful play.
No,I'm just... I'm lucky.
You know what I love?
I love it when you get a heart flush because...and I hate clubs.
Don't you hate clubs? They're,like,dirty.
Hi. Who are you talking to?
How do you do? I'm Andy Andrews.
I'm number 1 right now. How do you do?
I'm Harold's mother Ruth.
Oh! It's a pleasure to meet you.
- It's a pleasure to meet you. - Thank you very much.
Another pro.
Ruth,I am having an adult conversation.
You two have so much in common.
I'm having an adult conversation.
- He's just brilliant. - He is.
You could learn so much from him.
Really? Like what?
Well,he has a lot of wonderful tricks...
one in particular.
His first two cards,
when they match in color,you know?
- And it's one number after another - Sure.
Well,he plays them and wins!
- Cease,Ruth. - Well,you do!
Maintain a perimeter,Ruth.
Well,you two should have lunch.
I think that you look good together.
Exit,Ruth.
I'll see you later.
I apologize for her presence.
Oh,no. She's lovely.
I'd...I'd love to have...
I actually can't have lunch. I can have dinner sometime.
It might be pleasant to discuss strategy
in a quiet social setting.
We could use our vouchers at the same restaurant
at the same time and sit at the same table.
I like Chinese.
People?
He has good moments where he tries
to be kind and considerate.
He does.
And with his syndrome,that's difficult
to think of other people,you know?
Ruth is always trying to get me to make more friends,
and I guess I can see the logic in that
because in the same way that a herd of antelope protect each other,
in a certain way there's safety in numbers.
Harold's not like other people.
And when he was a little boy,
I took him to doctor after doctor after doctor,
and they all said the same thing...
that there's something wrong with him.
Ooh.
- Oh. - That's your name,fifth down.
I know,there's a lot of names on the board.
It can get confusing.
- Renee. Right? - Yeah.
From a couple days ago?
- Yeah. - When I picked you up?
We spent a good 45 minutes in the car together.
Oh,that was lovely.
- How are you? - I'm great.
So Lavisch is prepared to offer you
a little bit of a deal,so...
Did you do something to your hair?
- No. - What did you do to your hair?
Nothing. It's the same.
It's exactly the same,all right?
He's just...He's willing to offer you a little cash
in exchange for the hotel.
- Please don't touch me. - Oh. Is that a natural curl?
It's enhanced with a curling iron slightly,
but I do have a natural wave.
Are you interested?
It's a one-time offer.
- Well - So
If I get to keep the hotel,then we got a deal.
Jack,why would he give you the hotel
and give you a cash settlement?
Because he's a nice guy.
Uh,he's not a nice guy,
and I don't recommend you screwing with him.
Okay. Well,I am a nice guy.
Tell him to go fuck himself.
Please.
And then,after that,let's you and I
go get us something to,um,drink.
Not gonna happen.
Ever.
I'm gonna stop you from eating too much salad.
We gotta get the Strip Steak
because they said the Strip Steak,
that's why everybody comes here.
I think maybe I'll stick to seafood tonight.
Why would you have fish in a steak restaurant?
You can get whatever you want.
Would you go to a seafood restaurant and have a steak?
- Yeah,maybe,if I wanted a steak. - You would?
- Yeah,I would. - All right,all right.
Well,you would,but I wouldn't.
Excuse me,Mr. Schwartzman?
I,um...I'm sorry to interrupt you,
but would you mind removing your hat while dining...
I can't. I'm contractually obligated to wear the hat,so I can't.
You gotta wear your hat in a restaurant?
That's part of your contract?
Yes,I have to wear my hat in a restaurant.
I'm sorry.
Okay. All right,fine. Here,how's this? All right?
That certainly helps everybody enjoy their meal
if they can see my head.
Or at least be assured that part of my head here...
Listen,miss,can we order?
We've been waiting here for a long time.
- Sure. - All right?
First of all,take the wine.
Nobody's gonna have wine.
We're gonna have four people,family style--
Why don't we order-- Let me order family style.
Fred,let me order family style. I found out what's good here.
We're gonna start out with the portabello mushrooms for four people.
We'll get potatoes-- Then we're gonna have--
- Wait a second,Fred. - I just want some scalloped potatoes--
Yeah. We're gonna have the salad,
the chopped salad for four people.
We'll have two fillets,two strips,
everything medium rare--
Yeah,I-- I'll have the chicken.
You want chicken? So one less steak.
You don't want to try the steak?
I'm going to eat chicken,Dad.
All right,she wants chicken.
Scalloped potatoes if you could write that down.
I'm gonna get to the scalloped potatoes.
First,we want asparagus.
- Asparagus. - Right.
And I-- uh,change one of those steaks--
Oh,look at this,another country heard from.
What do you want now,Larry?
Um,can you change one of the steaks--
I don't care which one--
to the sake tuna,sake-glazed tuna?
You can't have tuna. You can have a steak.
I know what I want to eat,okay?
No tuna.
Three steaks,she can have chicken,he wants scalloped potatoes.
You got everything else? How come--
We don't need the scalloped potatoes.
Forget about that. Okay?
Why don't you wrap his steak up?
- He'll take it with him. - No,no. That's all right.
Wrap the steak up for him so he'll take it with him.
All right? Okay?
It's an excellent steak. Tell the chef.
And bring me the check.
Wow. You don't have to do that.
I got something very exciting to talk to you two about.
I've been meeting with the president
of Peter Pan Poker Network.
He wants to do a site,a Lainie and Larry site,
where you two are going to have your own poker site
as soon as you can get rid of "I Can't Believe It's Poker".
"I Can't Believe I Get To Play Poker Dot Com" dot com,the word...
- Right. Whatever. - ..."triple seven" the number,dot net.
There were some other names
I think would have been my first choice,but um...
I got into the whole web arena a little late,and--
Whatever,I'm ready to go. It's not about the name.
- And we all can be involved in this together... - Well,what's the deal?
- ...as a family. - That sounds cool.
I got them up to 12.5% each for you.
Well... Plus a signing bonus.
- What? - It's a great deal.
Well,I appreciate the effort and the-- but that's not a--
that's not the best deal.
12.5%? Did you think that was a good deal?
He said it was good deal.
Okay,you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
If you think that's a good deal,
you don't know the first fucking thing about a website,okay?
So don't do it,don't get involved.
This is not for you to do.
A daughter...
does not talk to her father...like that.
Dad.
Dad!
You...said you were going to get the check.
- I'm gonna go check on the kids. - You know what?
Lainie,we should talk about this,because... Take your time.
I'll see you. ...shouldn't it be LarryAndLainie.com?
No,that's not even the point now.
I think it is very much the point. It's going to be--
It's not even going to happen,this thing,so...
Oh.
It's Day 2 at The Grand in Las Vegas,
and the field is narrowing considerably.
By the end of the day,we'll be down to our final six players,
one of whom will win the $10 million first-place prize.
Hey,guys.
All right.
Let's play poker,boys.
And lady,let's play some poke-- Ma'am,may I speak to you?
I need to speak to you.
Could you come over here for a minute,please?
Bobby,I'm about to-- Come on.
That's improper dress.
You're not allowed to wear that.
On,no,no,no,no. I know.
I converted to Muslam,uh,last night on the-- from--
there was something on TV.
That's all right,but that's a woman's dress,
not a man's dress.
You have to dress like a man.
That's anti-Semitic,and that's anti-feminist,
and that's racist.
And you are going on report.
Fine. All right. But guess what.
I'm playing this under protest,all right?
Have you seen me raise with shitty cards? Nope.
Haven't raised with shitty cards all night.
Don't ever say shitty,pumpkin.
Las Vegas is a place that has no irony.
You just win or you lose.
And you are a giant,or you are a midget.
You are just walking away as a dwarf.
You are cowed if you are not--
if you don't have the guts to win.
You are drawing more dead
than a rotten corpse that reeks of carrion.
That makes no sense.
Better get out. Yes!
You're up against a lot of great players,but...
Well,I have a sense of purpose about this.
Quite frankly,I have to win.
Ooh,this is a hard one.
Wait,what happened?
Good.
Mommy's about to triple up.
Yeah,Day 2,that was pretty smooth sailing.
I learned that my daughter's really good at math.
Larry Schwartzman still going strong.
He's knocked out some of the best players in poker,
but now he's up against "Sob Story" Barry Blausteen.
I'm all in.
And Blausteen's all in.
Schwartzman is counting him down.
Looks like he's considering a call.
Did I tell you I couldn't have kids?
Zero sperm count. Doesn't matter anyway.
If those kids were born,they'd die of cancer anyway.
Everyone in my family died of cancer.
My wife's got cancer.
Blausteen really laying it on thick here.
She's got six months to live.
Your-- Your wife has six months to live?
At the most.
That's-- You went to a bunch of doctors?
You got several opinions? I mean,you're sure that--
It's metastasized. It's over.
I loved her so much.
Did-- I don't know--
I don't know what I'm going to do without her.
Wow. This is a very effective performance.
He's taken it to a new level,
and Larry really seems to feel bad for him.
Well,wait a second. Wait a second.
I just realized I don't give a shit.
No,wait. Okay,I'm all in.
Schwartzman didn't fall for it. All right. Whaddaya got?
He's all out against Blausteen. Turn 'em over.
It looks like he's going to win this pot.
Shit!
Hmm,yeah.
Doesn't quite beat it,huh?
It's all right. It's all right.
Now you got more time to play with the kids you're not gonna have.
Talk about a sob story,Barry is out of this tournament.
You dropped your,uh,yarmulka.
I'll tell you what I think happened,Phil.
I think he misread the cards.
- Nah,I doubt it. - Well,it's a common problem.
I talk about it in my book,chapter 9,"Knowing Your Cards."
What do you mean "knowing your cards"?
Knowing your cards. There's 52 of them.
It's not that easy to remember all of them.
know the cards,memorize the cards,
every single one of them.
Simple,and it's easy,
especially with the Mike Werbe patented flash cards.
We're down to two tables now,
and Andy Andrews continuing an improbable run.
Over at Table 5,Jack Faro has had a tough day.
He's trying to hang on to his remaining chips.
Jack's in the big blind with two callers.
We've got a three-way pot.
Yes,we do,and Jack is gonna be first to bet on this flop.
6 of diamonds,8 of diamonds,deuce of diamonds.
200.
That's 200,000.
It's hard to say what he's got here,Mike,
but it wouldn't surprise me if Jack was just trying to steal this pot.
Melvin out of the way.
The German staring him down.
He might be putting Jack on a steal here.
200,000 is a very big bet.
And The German does make the call.
Here comes the turn card.
It's the deuce of spades.
Check.
Jack checks and The German checks behind him.
And here's the river. The river's the 9 of diamonds.
If Jack was slow playing now,he'll definitely make a bet.
I'm all in.
Indeed,that's a very big bet,Mike.
I have no idea what's going on here.
Jack Faro's tournament life at stake.
The way he's played this hand,
I'm putting him either on the nuts
or a stone-cold bluff.
I call. Call.
And The German calls. Let's see 'em.
Well...
Any diamond will make a flush.
You might wet your lederhosen on this one,Deutsch-boy.
And indeed,a king high flush for Jack Faro.
That's a fantastic hand,nearly unbeatable.
Only one out for The German,only one way to win this pot.
King high flush.
The German exposes a card. That's no good.
He's gonna need the ace of diamonds or Jack Faro will--
Aw! The ace of diamonds!
Winner.
Jack Faro is out of this tournament.
He's cheating.
There's no way he had that ace of diamonds pre-flop.
- He only called. - You are a crazy person.
I think I pulled the ace of diamonds.
This pot is mine.
I don't know how you did it,
but you gave yourself the ace of diamonds
when the fourth diamond came on the river.
The last 764 times,you've hit ace-jack pre-flop,
you raised with it.
That is a fact.
This time you only called.
You are a very predictable player.
Security!
Wow. What an incredible turn of events.
Have you ever seen anything like that,Phil?
Well,it's really rare to see a player
accused of cheating at the table.
It certainly doesn't happen very often.
Well,you know what they say.
"It ain't cheating if you don't get caught," right?
Meanwhile,the question on everyone's mind is this
Who will be our sixth player at the final table?
Will The German be disqualified for cheating?
And if so,what happens to Jack Faro?
Hey.
Hey,Freddy. Seth.
I think Lainie and I should clear the air here a little bit.
Yeah. Yeah,well,it's 11:30.
Lainie's asleep. Yeah.
Oh,is she asleep already? Yeah,yeah.
Let me come in and say hello to the kids.
I haven't seen the kids since they've been here.
Well--
Seth,come here. Come here.
I just want to talk to you for one second.
I just want to-- First of all...
I see what's happening here. I see things.
I want to give you some money.
I want to-- You know,I see the deal--
you're coming up with an idea for the deal.
I understand where that's coming from,and I just--
Don't take this as a--
- You want to give me money? - I do.
Where are you going to get the money from,your wife?
No,this has nothing to do with--
The money you're gonna give me you're gonna get from her?
I'm not gonna get any money from her.
This has nothing to do with her and her--
So why are you going to give me money for?
- Did I ask you for money? - No,no,no.
And that's what I'm trying to say. Don't get offended--
I'm not a pauper. I don't sell peanuts in the park.
I don't need your money,Freddy.
This is what I respect about you.
I knew you would react this way,
but don't react this way.
Don't react this way. Don't pee in your own wetsuit.
- That's what I gotta say to you. - Don't pee in my own wetsuit?
It's a saying-- What does that mean?
It loosely implies right here,this saying,but it's probably not accurate.
- But forget about it. - What are you talking about?
I don't need your money.
And I don't like the way your wife talked to me.
I don't like how you're talking to me now. I'm not a pauper.
I'd like to see the kids before I leave. Is that too much?
No,that's not too much. To see the kids before I leave?
I'd like to see the kids tomorrow before I leave.
Okay. This is not an insult. I'm not insulting you.
I'm just-- I'm just saying don't pee in your wetsuit!
You know,I wouldn't mind tasting grass now.
You know,just to see if I like it.
Maybe make,like,a cappuccino or something.
Or a latte.
The milk probably doesn't foam that well.
Jack!
Jack,wake up!
Come on! I was talking.
Okay,I have a confession to make.
Oh,my God,I feel weird.
Mm,you know Steve Lavisch?
Of course.
He,um-- He paid The German to take you down.
Oh.
And,um,he's going to take the Rabbit's Foot
and just blow it up.
I'm sorry. I should have told you.
You're so sweet to tell me this now.
Hey,do you think that there's any possibility that--
Look at me for a second.
What?
I want to ask you a question.
Would you consider-- What?
...marrying me?
Hold on.
Hello?
Yeah. Here-- I'm not here. I'm not here.
He's not coming to the phone.
Robert Thompson Tournament.
No,does not want to talk to you.
Okay? You can take your tournament-- I want to talk to him.
You can shove it in your ass because he doesn't need--
Gimme. Hello? ...to play that stuff!
Yeah?
What?
Okay. Okay,I'll be right there.
What? What happened?
The German,they saw him cheating.
They want me back in the tournament.
I'm back in. I'm back in.
If I could just clear my head--
I don't look like I've been partying,right? No.
Wish me luck. Good luck!
Wait,we're still getting married,right?
There it is,Mike,the dramatic footage,
straight from the security cameras.
And you can clearly see The German
with the ace of diamonds up his sleeve.
That's a tough move. I've never gotten away with that one.
Well,indeed,the security cameras make it very difficult.
More importantly,Jack Faro takes over for The German
and becomes the sixth player seated at our final table.
And the Rabbit's Foot lives to see another day.
Indeed,it does.
Meanwhile,The German has lost his tour card
and is being escorted out by casino security.
Sir,you're going to have to leave right now.
I can't find my bunny.
Munchkin,he's a rabbit,a white rabbit.
Have you seen Munchkin? No,sir.
I can't find my rabbit.
Hey,Munchkin. Munchkin!
Where is my rabbit? Wo ist mein Hasen?
Hey,Munchkin?
Munchkin,Munchkin,Munchkin,Munchkin.
Excuse me,sir? Sir?
Did you lose a bunny?
Oh.
This your rabbit? This is service.
Ah,you found it. Yeah.
You found it in the hallway.
Yeah,she was hopping down the hall.
That's so sweet. There she is.
Well,she's back with you. You have a good day,sir.
Yeah. Thank you,thank you,thank you.
Little Munchkin.
It's the way we greet each other.
Such a sweet little-- Such a sweet little rabbit.
Yeah,I'm ready to go.
Yes. It's okay now.
Munchkin.
Yes,I've got you.
Hey,my little one.
Maybe two rival sports teams.
The Yankees and the Red Sox,for example,or,uh--
I don't know the sports teams,
but to have them each occupying one of the towers
so they're in basically the same room.
Sir,you need an appointment.
-Am I wearing my helmet? - No,sir,you're not.
This is me. Maybe you should--
Hello,Mr. Lavisch. Jack Faro.
How are you,son?
Mr. Lavisch,you've underestimated me...
because I'm a survivor.
And guess what.
The Rabbit's Foot is going to survive.
You are not blowing up the Rabbit's Foot,
not while I'm alive.
Well,of course you can be there for the demolition.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Would you like to press the plunger yourself?
I think that would be a brilliant coup,to--
Can you hear me? Hmm?
Can you hear me? Do you--
Are you able to hear me?
Jack,when I was 14 years old,
I was stung by a phalanx of Portuguese Men-of-War.
They're not men,they're cowardly,evil fish
made of cowardly,evil jelly.
I lost all the hearing in this ear
and much of the hearing in this ear.
I don't even know what ear I'm pointing to anymore.
Hey,you know what?
That's not going to work.
You know why?
Two rooms.
I should have listened to my Uncle Phil.
He said,"Don't go in the water."
You've been eating meat products.
Portuguese Men-of-War love meat products.
But I wouldn't listen.
No,I had to go splashing off into-- into the brine.
Brine is just another flavoring.
They would've eaten me alive if they c--
Sir.
Is it my birthday?
$10,000 million,
the largest prize in the history of poker.
Six men and women,winner takes all.
Deuce Fairbanks,the old timer.
This is his fourth visit to The Grand.
Harold Melvin,the lonely genius of poker
with $1.5 million in chips.
In fourth place,Lainie Schwartzman,
the woman.
In third place,Larry Schwartzman,
poker's bad boy.
In second place,the sentimental favorite,
One-Eyed Jack Faro.
In first place,the unknown,
Andy Andrews.
Six players,six stories,one winner.
Shuffling $100,000 blind.
Shuffle up and deal.
Holy shit. Are we gonna play or what?
Welcome,everyone,to the final table,
and,boy,is this exciting.
Too exciting,if you ask me.
Let's get to the action on the felt.
Deuce looks like he's debating
whether or not to call.
He has got to make a choice.
All in.
Call. Oh,my God.
Aces and jacks will take the pot.
And Deuce takes the pot.
Winner.
Wow! Wow!
How did you learn to play poker?
By playing darts?
I was online
looking for a fireplace poker...
Harold Melvin has to play carefully here.
He's very short-stacked and he'll have to double up soon.
It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the juice of Sapho that thoughts acquire speed,
the lips acquire stains,the stains become a warning.
It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.
Is that Rush?
Where's Fred?
It's,um-- It's the night of the draft.
The what?
Fantasy football. It's the night of the draft.
It's,like,a big,big night for him.
Call.
Kind of a big night for you,too,isn't it?
How does he do it?
How does he pick a kicker in the third round?
No,no. No,no. No way.
That's not gonna happen. Uh-uh.
All right,you ready for this?
Daddy's working. Daddy's working.
No,no. Hey! Hey! Hey,Daddy's working.
Go upstairs. Go upstairs.
Put on a movie.
Well,it gives him something to do,you know,when there's--
No,but he's got other stuff.
It's not just fantasy football.
I mean,he's designed a,um-- a round beach towel.
I know,I hope nobody asks me to invest in that.
I wish I'd had a sister.
Did you not ever have a sister,or is she still in rehab?
What do you mean when--
Do you mean you lost your sister or--
Are you talking to me?
No,I'm talking to just behind your glasses.
I just have astigmatism. Yeah,I'm talking to you.
Well,I do have astigmatism,so I don't much appreciate
you making fun of people with astigmatism.
Thank you.
Does anyone else out there have astigmatism?
You insulted half the people in this audience.
I'm going to raise and make it 900,000.
750,000.
Andy Andrew is raising to 900,000.
That's a huge raise with the ace-queen.
And Deuce calls with ace-8 off suit.
That's a very risky play.
He is really underestimating Andy.
I'm pulling for you,Deuce.
Deuce in a tough position here.
The flop comes,and it's no help for either player.
I'm all in.
Andy Andrews moves all in.
I'll call.
I think that's a terrible mistake,Mike.
That's coming from a different generation.
Imagine if Abe Lincoln showed upwith a stove pipe hat.
The electric lights alone are gonna throw him off.
No 8.
And now the river.
Andy makes the flush,and Deuce Fairbanks
is the first one eliminated from our final table.
Deuce Fairbanks.
Thank you,Russell.
Sorry,Deuce.
Can I stand up?
There he goes.
This is bullshit. He deserved to lose. He played poorly.
He played terribly. Now look at--
Looks like Jack Faro's breaking out the eye patch.
It's his trademark.
That's why they call him One-Eyed Jack.
Well,back to the action,
and Andy Andrews has picked up pocket 8s.
He's certainly gonna bet here.
I'm going to make it... 650,000.
That's an aggressive bet for middle pair.
I like it.
Back over to Jack Faro. He's got pocket queens.
And for the first time in this tournament,
Andy Andrews is completely dominated.
Some people find that arousing.
It is a lifestyle choice.
500,000 is the bet.
Hey,where'd you say that beef jerky museum--
And I'll raise it 500.
Andy Andrews has had a pretty charmed tournament so far,
but he may be looking at a little more
than he can handle right here.
Dad,what are you doing here?
Well,I didn't like the way we left things the last time,
and I thought I'd come here
and I would clear the air a little bit.
You don't have to clear the air with me.
I'm not the one that has a problem with you.
Well,I had a conversation with Fred right at your suite--
This isn't about Fred. Okay?
Larry's trying to play in the tournament.
Dad.
Call.
Come on.
I am.
I'm sorry I yelled at you the other night.
Two players. The bet is $1 million.
I'm all in.
All in.
I love it.
The only way Andy can win this hand
is with a runner-runner.
He needs help on the turn and help on the river.
I can't wait to see which one plays more poorly.
I have a pair of 8s. You have a queen?
Oh! I am pretty dead,aren't I?
Don't look at it that way.
Look at it as I'm doing damn good.
I am pretty dead.
You're dead.
I am dead.
Set of queens. Winner,Jack Faro.
Jack Faro doubles up. He is back in the tournament.
All right,players,that's a 10-minute break.
Hey,I'm on to you.
Ooh,that was a tough beat out there.
Going in with pocket 8s.
I know,I know. I got a bad beat.
Yeah. Please leave me alone,okay?
Hey,I told you already,I'm on to you,okay?
- Stop it,please. - Stop what?
I'm on to you.
How'd you get all the way to this final table
by not knowing what you're doing?
It's bullshit,okay?
You may be fooling everybody else,
but you're not fooling me,all right?
- This is my game,pal. - Stop it.
- This is my game,chief. - Don't take out your family problems on me.
You got problems with your dad,
you got problems with your sister.
I don't have family problems.
I teach kids every day,every year.
You're a textbook case.
Grow up. What are you--
Just learn to love them.
I'm just saying I know. I don't think you're--
You think you know everything,but you don't.
Let's take a look at our leaderboard.
Jack has a commanding lead right now with 5.3 million in chips.
Larry's right behind him,
Andy and Lainie are pretty close together,
and Harold is bringing up the rear with 870,000.
Are you okay?
Small,big,100,200,please. Yeah,I am.
Looks like Jack's in a little bit of trouble here.
Larry with the best hand,a pair of queens.
Call.
And Jack making the bet,looking for an ace.
A club comes on the turn,increasing his chances to 32%,
but Larry is still in control.
600,000.
Big bet from Larry Schwartzman.
Call.
And a call from Jack Faro.
Jack needs an ace,a 5,or a club.
And a club on the river gives Jack Faro the best hand.
Disaster card for Larry Schwartzman.
The pot is very big here.
It's going to be very difficult for Larry
to lay this hand down.
Tough spot for Larry,but he's definitely
a good enough player to lay it down.
All in.
- All in. - But he goes all in.
This is an immediate call from Jack Faro.
Jack does have the nut flush.
Queen,7,8,6,nut flush.
Winner. Big hand for Larry Schwartzman.
And Larry Schwartzman will be eliminated
from this final table.
Gee,that was fun. Aw,man.
This was a lot of fun,you know that? Yeah.
You did good.
Played the best I could.
Thought I did a pretty good job.
Gambled. That's why they call it gambling.
And,uh,it's not--
it's not the most important thing.
And my sister's still in it.
She's gonna kick ass.
You played good.
Dad,he caught a runner-runner flush.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
Yeah,what do you mean? Why are you knocking yourself out?
That's what happened.
You had the best hand,he got lucky.
You played good.
Yeah,I mean,that's what I'm saying. I mean-- I mean--
That's what happens. It's a stupid game.
Sometimes people get lucky,they win,
they shouldn't even be in the hand.
To me,that's not how a good player plays.
I know,that was ridiculous. I totally could've taken that.
Yeah,you win that hand,you're gonna go on,
you're gonna go all the way.
That's my opinion.
The name of the game,I guess.
Poker. That's what the say. That's the name of the game.
Poker. Yeah.
Is that fresh fruit?
Yeah,yeah,it's-- Do you want any?
It's fresh?
Well,I mean-- It looks old.
It's-- I mean,it's been here for a while.
I didn't have no lunch. Oh,well,take it.
It's free,you know,so I know that'll--
Here,I'll give you a boat.
Yeah,give me one. All right.
What could that jerk call you when he got nothing?
I mean,yeah. I mean,I should've gone--
That's honeydew. I want the cantaloupe.
Oh,I'm sorry.
That watermelon looks good in the back there.
Oh,yeah,yeah.
Remember,your mother used to love watermelon?
Yeah.
She could eat a whole watermelon by herself.
She did a bunch,didn't she?
Yeah,remember that?
All right,thank you,Larry.
You played good. Don't knock yourself out.
Well,thanks.
This looks old. I'm not gonna eat this,Larry.
It looks old. It's not your fault.
I'm not saying-- All right,well,don't eat it,then.
I'll get you a sandwich.
I'll get you a sandwich. Yeah,yeah,let's get a sandwich.
Four players remaining,
and Harold Melvin is still hanging in there.
He takes a nice-sized pot from Lainie Schwartzman,
who has quietly built up her stack.
That adds 500,000 to Harold's chips.
You're building his stack.
Yeah,I guess I just put that little brainiac fucker
back in the game.
You have the vocabulary of a drunken spice miner
and the hairstyle of an Arrakean whore.
Oh,man,that's really gonna set me back,Harold.
You know,it's interesting that he brings it up,
because I was once with an Arrakean whore.
You know,I'm not really sure--
No,no,I'm serious,and the weird thing was,
she had a penis.
Mike,Arrakean whores are from the book Dune.
Well,that's not what she said.
Science fiction.
I miss your brother.
I got to know him a little bit.
We chatted.
I miss him,too.
I don't miss him.
Me,neither.
Just 'cause he's out,let's not make him
into a good guy all of a sudden.
No player's been more charmed
than Andy Andrews here at The Grand.
Every single time he's needed the miracle card,
it seems to be right there for him.
He's been the chip leader pretty much the entire way,
and it looks like his streak of luck continues.
pocket queens.
I will make it 800,000.
Raising to 800,000.
That's a very nice-sized raise.
Jack Faro,looking at the king-jack of clubs,will call.
Just the two of you now.
Tough break for Andy.
King on the flop gives Jack the top pair,pair of kings.
- I'll check. - Checking.
Let's see,now. All in.
All in.
Why not? I call.
Call. Let's see 'em.
He's got you covered.
This is a real setback for Andy Andrews.
He's called off all his chips with pocket queens,
and finds himself just 13% to win.
Pocket queens.
King-jack.
A queen would be good.
Another king.
Holy...
Jack on the turn. No help for Andy Andrews.
He needs one of the two remaining queens in the deck.
He's been lucky the whole time. He could pull the miracle card.
Can he do it? Can he pull that queen?
A queen would be good.
Ooh,six of spades.
It's the end of the rainbow for this Cinderella story.
Andy Andrews.
That's right,Andy Andrews.
Shit. Good game,Andy.
Thank you.
You played well.
No,I didn't. That was a terrible move.
I know.
We'll get a bite and talk about it,huh?
I would like that. Me,too.
I had the best hand,and I...
I played it exactly how an amateur would.
Harold Melvin's in a very difficult situation here.
He is severely short-stacked.
He's picked up a pair of tens to Jack's ace-king.
He needs the action.
This is his only way back into contention.
Here's the flop. King-4-4.
It's absolutely terrible for Harold.
Jack's now a 92% favorite to win.
All in.
Harold hung in there all day,
but I don't see how he can escape this one.
This guy has nine lives.
60.
Pot's right. Let's see 'em.
Harold,all in.
Pocket tens.
Big slick,ace-king.
Holy shit.
And here's the turn. It's the jack of hearts.
That's no help to Harold.
He still needs a ten,or he's gonna be
eliminated in third place.
An ace on the river gives Jack Faro
two pair,aces and kings.
Harold Melvin has been eliminated.
Good game.
You played well.
You,too.
I came into the table at a tremendous chip disadvantage.
I played as well as I could,but the odds were against me from the beginning.
Are we done?
Harold.
We're down to heads-up action between
Lainie Schwartzman and Jack Faro.
The winner of this tournament will take home $10 million,
and the money's out on the table.
Think about what this buys,Phil.
That's three luxury homes,that's 10 or 15 sports cars,
that's countless items of jewelry.
And how many speedboats?
Speedboats. Um,that would,uh--
It would depend on the speedboat.
- A $500,000 speedboat. - Do the math.
- You can probably do it on the back of an envelope. - Off the top of your head.
It's,uh-- That's-- It's 11.
20. The answer is 20.
Well,maybe I was thinking of a different kind of speedboat.
Or maybe you're just a fucking idiot.
Pressure.
A lot of pressure,Jack.
Sure is.
And we're heads up.
Lainie with a slight chip lead.
She's been quietly building that stack all day.
6-8 of hearts.
A playable hand here for Jack.
Yeah.
Looks like he's going to call.
Action on Lainie.
I'll raise.
Raising.
And she's gonna raise.
1.2 million more.
1.2 million more. 2.4 speedboats.
There it is. Call.
Jack makes the call.
And now the all-important flop.
7,6,4 on the flop for Lainie.
She has an open-ended straight draw.
She needs a 3 or an 8 to make the straight.
2 million to bet.
$2 million. Jack with the best hand.
A pair of 6s.
All in.
That's 2 million,and he goes all in.
Great read from Jack Faro.
I'm gonna call.
And Lainie will make the call.
Holy shit-fuckers.
Jack is 66% to win.
What are you gonna do with the money,Jack?
I'm gonna save the Rabbit's Foot.
I kind of think my grandpa would've appreciated it.
What about you?
I've got five babies to put through college.
Wow. Yeah.
So this ought to do it for them.
And,uh,you know... Fred has some good ideas.
That's your lucky husband.
My very lucky husband.
If Lainie wins,she's the champion.
Fuck. I need some fucking cards,man.
Let's see 'em.
Holy shit.
Open-ended straight draw,up and down.
4,5,6,7.
He's got a pair of 6s,with a gutshot straight draw.
Gonna need a 3.
I need an ace.
Ace. Come on.
An 8.
Ace.
Lainie is the grand champion.
Ace on the river.
Aw,shit!
Oh,shit.
You take this now.
It brought me luck. It'll bring you luck.
It'll bring you fucking luck,Jack.
Yeah,I'm gonna need it.
What? No. No,you didn't. Yes!
No,you didn't! Yes,I did!
You didn't! Yes,I did! I did it!
Son of a bitch! No! No!
Shh! Shh! Don't wake up the kids.
What'd you do? I did it. I swear.
Okay.
You gotta bend back when you do that.
You gotta bend back. Okay,I'll bend back.
Oh,man. I don't believe it.
I know. I know.
Oh,God,I wish I came. I should've saw it.
No,no,no. You were here.
How did your night go?
Hey,did you get Manning?
I did. I got Manning. You did?
Yeah. This is unbelievable.
It's like-- you won 10 million,I got Manning.
It's like a $20 million night. I know.
Oh,God. Oh,God. Oh,God.
Grandpa.
Are you-- Are you--
Yeah,Jack.
Are you warm in that coat?
No,I'm a ghost.
Oh. So-- Because we didn't bury you in that.
I just wondered,did you get to pick your own outfit?
Jack,I'm not here to give you
a fucking seminar on the hereafter.
I'm here to talk about the Rabbit's Foot and you.
Yeah,I'm sorry,Grandpa. I just fucked that up.
Now,you listen to me.
I started this because I liked it.
I liked kneecapin' people.
I liked cheating 'em,I liked taking their money
and watching their dreams swirl down the toilet.
Deuce and I are like that.
You're not like that.
You just do it because you think you have to.
Well,that's a waste of time.
Go live your life.
Want to shut up? I'm trying to take a leak.
What about your legacy,Grandpa?
Aw,I don't care about that anymore.
I'm dead. You can dig up my corpse and piss on it for all I care.
Maybe you fags should get a room.
You ever had your ass kicked by a ghost,cocksucker?
Grandpa!
Grandpa?
Jack grew up in this business.
Jack knows what he's getting into.
And if he would've won,he would've been a hero.
The Rabbit's Foot would've survived. I don't know.
Now they're doing something else with it,I guess.
But it's like everything else,you know?
One of these days they'll blow that up,too.
Mr. Lavisch.
Renee.
First of all,let me apologize,uh,
for calling you a ridiculous,
pathetic excuse for a human being.
I would humbly ask you to consider
letting me back on to the Lavisch team.
You know what the problem is?
It's really two rooms,isn't it? It is.
It's not one room,it's two rooms. Yeah.
That's really what it is. It's two rather than one.
At first it's hard to notice. It takes a while to see it.
Dad,can I just get my job back?
And then we could move on from this.
Look,two things.
First of all,you don't call me Dad
unless it's Thanksgiving
- or your birthday. - My birthday.
I know.
What's the second thing?
Thanksgiving,birthday. That's two.
Put on your hard hat.
Sorry. Safety first.
I read a book by a guy named Werbe
who said "change your personality,"
and I looked at it as that was just one more
piece of ammunition I could use
that nobody else would know.
We're gonna go undercover to The Grand.
We're gonna-- We've never played poker before.
We don't know what we're doing.
We're so dumb,we're from the Midwest.
Of course,I've played online.
Of course,I've sat at my computer.
I've won over a million dollars online.
And it worked.
I come in pretending not to know anything.
I'm this guy Andy Andy,
and I take out Phil Hellmuth and Doyle Brunson.
All right,I didn't win,
but jeez,it was great.
I lost. I came in third.
Ruth disappeared one day,
and I thought that she had been abducted or murdered,
but then she called and said that she had moved.
Frank Werbe has theories
that suggest mental impairment,
so,not surprisingly,
Ruth made a poor choice in running away with him.
I am alone in my condominium now,
which is neither good nor bad.
It is simply the present reality.
Things are good. Things are really good.
Believe it or not,I still play a lot of poker,
but I-- not as competitively.
I've been teaching poker to American Indians,
trying to get them in it.
My sister.
And,you know,I've actually been spending a lot of time
with Lainie and Fred and the kids
and hanging out with them,
and,you know,I've started seeing
this woman twice a week,
and she's awesome.
Um,it was something I never really thought I'd be into,
the idea of going to a professional,
you know,prostitute,but...it's good.
It's worked out for me,and bought my dad
a ranch-style dressing factory
that he always--
He's always loved ranch dressing,and...
you know,I got him one of those.
And,uh,it's in Sri Lanka.
When I won The Grand,it was awesome,
and I felt,like,a little bit bad for Jack.
I don't know why. I wish I--
I felt bad for Larry,I felt bad for Jack,
but,um... it was fucking great.
That little girl is tough.
She,um...
She got the ace on the river twice against me.
The second time,of course,being the most devastating
since it put me out of the tournament.
Well,Fred and I talked about it,
and we decided to invest in the Rabbit's Foot.
Although I think,um,
Fred wants to change the name to the Lightning Strike,
but we're working it out with the lawyers,though.
So the Rabbit's Foot will go on.
It's not gonna get torn down. It's gonna be here forever.
I do think that there's such a thing as fate
and there's such a thing as luck
and there's some big,giant chasm of disparity between the two,
and I now have come to believe that there are no accidents,
and things happen according to a reason,
some big mystical plan.
New York,New York? Oh,that's original.
I can go to the East Coast
and experience that any old time.
Or you've got the Eiffel Tower.
Oh! Oh,now,let me see. Where have I seen that before?
And you have the,uh,oh,the pyramid.
Uh,great,you know.
Triangle.
I also tried before that to get
at least nine hours of sleep,
and also-- also,I pay a prostitute
to do sex with me.
And that's how I prepare for a tournament.
Can I get a,uh-- What do you want?
Um,whatever,you know?
I mean,you're buying,right?
Oh,wait,I'm buying. I'm buying.
Give me a Stuttering Transvestite.
I'll have a...just a beer,whatever beer.
Baby's Coffin for him,and I'll just have a beer.
Let's get a Hideous Canadian,and I'll have a beer.
Just a whatever.
What's that? What's a Hideous Canadian?
I don't know,it's like butterscotch schnapps
and some other crap.
No,you know,I don't like ranch dressing.
I never did like ranch dressing.
I enjoy Russian dressing.
What would be an example of one of the questions
I might ask you in an interview?
Well,how did-- When did you start playing poker?
Mm-hmm. When did you start playing poker?
Renee.
Yeah.
No,I'm just saying I don't like the name.
The body of the goose flips around,
and you hold the neck,and you twist the neck,and it kills them.
But what happened to me is that it didn't kill the goose.
It just dislocated my wrist.
So that was bad.
Are there any other questions that they ask in interviews?
Um...
Are you telling me you don't have questions?
Well,I'm just asking whether there are other questions.
Yeah,they've got other questions.
What would they be? Any examples?
Um,who your favorite players are--
And who are your favorite players?
Barry Blaustein.
Mr. Blaustein.
By the way,my mom has cancer.
You know,it's a point of pride to me
that nobody ever committed suicide in the Rabbit's Foot.
No,it doesn't mean that.
No,it's 'cause I'm a giant.
It's cause I'm going up the beanstalk
cause that's where giants live.
Yeah,well,I'm married. I'm married and I have five kids,all right?
From what Fred tells me about the meetings,
everybody just sits around and tells their story,
and every story ends the same way.
They get struck by lightning.
He's like a savant. We kind of call him the savant.
He can't do math in life,only,like,at a poker table.
He can figure out the odds,like--
Like right now,what are the odds?
That's the pot,that's the bet.
What's the odds? 8.
That's correct.
No,no,that's exactly right.
Well,this is a pretty important tournament.
Um,who are some of the other players?
Who are other players in the tournament?
Yeah.
Every morning,wake up at 6:28 a.m.
All right? Get up,run around the bed twice,
I pull the bed away from the wall.
I mean,it's already preset away from the wall.
Drink a raw egg,throw up,
then go back to bed,sleep till 9.
12 steps
Only 12 steps out the door
I walked to New York,and I'm from LA
I lived on a mountain once by the bay
I bought an old barn to sleep in the hay
But there's no place that's softer than
Living today is just gettin' so bad
There's a look on your face,and it says you've been had
Take all my money,but don't make me mad
Cause there's nobody meaner than
I prayed to Buddha,to Allah,and Jim
I turned to Jesus and stayed there with Him
I fell in deep,but I learned how to swim
Now there's nobody cleaner and purer than Jim